When a child loses a loved one to homicide, the grief, confusion, and trauma they experience can be overwhelming. Unlike adults, children often lack the words or understanding to process their emotions fully, and they may feel isolated or misunderstood. Supporting children through such a difficult time is crucial, as it can shape how they cope with loss and trauma throughout their lives.
This guide aims to help parents, caregivers, teachers, and family members provide compassionate support to children affected by homicide. We will also highlight Our Lost Love Years (OLLY), a specialised support programme for children that can be instrumental in their healing journey.
1. Understand Children’s Unique Grief Responses
Children grieve differently from adults, and their reactions to a tragic loss can vary depending on age, personality, and circumstances. Some common responses include:
- Regression: Younger children may revert to behaviours they had previously outgrown, such as bedwetting, thumb-sucking, or temper tantrums.
- Withdrawal: Older children and teens may isolate themselves from friends and family, as they struggle with difficult emotions.
- Somatic Symptoms: Children may complain of headaches, stomach aches, or general fatigue due to stress and anxiety.
Each reaction is a normal part of the grieving process, even if it might not seem like “typical” grieving. It’s essential to reassure the child that their feelings are valid and expected.
2. Encourage Expression of Emotions
Grieving children need to know it’s okay to feel sad, scared, angry, or even relieved. Encourage them to express their feelings in whatever way feels natural, whether that’s through talking, drawing, writing, or play.
Activities like journaling or drawing can help younger children articulate emotions they may not yet be able to verbalise. If they struggle to talk about their feelings, consider using storybooks that address themes of loss and grief to open up the conversation. Our Lost Love Years (OLLY) provides tools and support tailored for young children, helping them express their emotions in a safe environment.
3. Reassure Them About Safety and Security
When a loved one dies violently, it can shatter a child’s sense of safety. They may worry that other family members or friends could also be in danger. Take time to reassure them of their safety and let them know that their caregivers are there to protect and support them.
Establishing a daily routine can also help children feel more secure. The predictability of regular schedules, meals, and bedtime routines can be comforting and provide a sense of stability.
4. Seek Professional Help When Needed
While many children can process their grief with the support of family, some may require additional help from mental health professionals. Symptoms like persistent sadness, withdrawal, sudden behavioural changes, or prolonged inability to concentrate at school could indicate that a child would benefit from therapy or counselling.
At Homicide Support Hub, when a family is referred to us, we enrol children of the family onto Our Lost Love Years (OLLY), a programme that specialises in supporting children affected by loss. OLLY provides a safe space for children to connect with others who understand their experiences, helping them feel less isolated and more supported. Through group sessions, creative therapies, and peer connections, OLLY helps children process their grief in a compassionate and understanding environment.
5. Avoid Pressuring Children to “Move On”
Grief is a lifelong process, and there’s no “right” way to grieve. Let children know that it’s okay to miss their loved one or feel sad, even as time passes. Avoid phrases like “You need to be strong” or “They wouldn’t want you to be sad,” as these can feel invalidating to a child’s emotions.
Instead, remind them that it’s normal to feel sad and that those feelings will come and go. Encourage them to remember their loved one in a way that feels comfortable, whether that’s through talking about them, keeping a memory box, or participating in activities that honour their memory.
6. Encourage Positive Outlets for Healing
Children often process their grief through creative expression. Art, music, writing, and even physical activities like sports can serve as positive outlets for complex emotions. Activities that allow children to release their feelings in a healthy, constructive way can help them regain a sense of normalcy and peace.
If they are open to it, suggest keeping a journal of memories or happy moments shared with their loved one. Remembrance rituals can also be healing; for example, lighting a candle or visiting a special place can be a simple way to remember the person who has passed.
7. Be Patient and Available for Ongoing Support
Grief doesn’t have an end date, and children may revisit their loss as they grow older and begin to understand it in new ways. Be patient, and let them know you’re there to talk whenever they need. Keep checking in with them over time, as they may face challenges and questions at different stages in their life.
Final Thoughts
Supporting a child who has experienced the trauma of losing a loved one to homicide is a journey that requires empathy, patience, and consistent reassurance. Remember, every child’s grief process is unique. Offering understanding, professional resources like OLLY, and the freedom to grieve in their own way can make a world of difference. Above all, simply being present and showing them that they’re not alone in this difficult journey is one of the greatest gifts you can give.
